The below was first published in an early issue of Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine, a fine magazine to which I have rarely contributed. Due to my poor manuscript formatting, the footnotes were left out of the print version. Here, at long last, what nobody has been waiting for; the final, complete version, dumped into a WordPress blog and formatted badly…
We at Andromeda Spaceways work very hard to provide a quality service at an affordable price. To do this, it is crucial that we obtain as much feedback as possible from our patrons [ i ] — we are here to serve you, so we need to know what you want. Please take the time to fill out this survey and hand, foot, levitate, tentacle or pseudopod it to your cabin crew as you exit the spacecraft. As an incentive, each month [ ii ] we will draw one filled feedback form out of a barrel and the lucky winner receives a flight to any Andromeda Spaceways destination of their choosing [ iii ].
1. How did you hear about Andromeda Spaceways?
□ Television □ DEP advertising [ iv ]
□ Word of mouth/other organ □ Current Affairs Program
□ Travel agent □ Cellmate
□ Other: Please specify________________________________
2. Why did you choose to travel with Andromeda Spaceways?
□ Price □ Service
□ Banned from other lines □ Range of destinations
□ Blackmail by shareholders □ I breathe H2S
□ Other: Please specify_________________________________
□ I have already joined □ No □ Yes
If no, please give your reasons__________________________
If yes, please give your reasons_________________________
□ Good □ Very good □ Excellent
5. We have updated our services recently and would like to know if the changes are for the better. Please help us by placing a cross on the scale to indicate your agreement or otherwise with the following statements.
5 = strongly agree, 1 = strongly disagree
a) The staff were friendly and helpful
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
b) The staff were friendly and helpful except for that ‘Dave’ guy
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
c) The M.C.Escher wallpaper in the infirmary helped cure my spacesickness
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
d) The extra 75 cm3 space in the economy class cages was a big improvement
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
e) The drugs were very effective, especially the sedatives
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
f) The restraints were not too tight
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
g) The unispecies toilets are easy and convenient to use
1 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
h) I would happily travel with Andromeda Spaceways again
5 <—–|—–0—–|—–> 5
Please add any further comments on and only on the lines below:
____
____
____
____
Please date and sign the following statement [ vii ]:
I _______________ do hereby absolve Andromeda Spaceways of any responsibility for that awful accident which occurred when I tried to use the rowing machine in the gymnasium.
Andromeda Spaceways thanks you for your care and consideration in filling out this form and wishes you a pleasant journey [ x ]. We would like to reassure passengers that, regardless of any odd sounds emanating from the rear of the spacecraft during take-off and landing, nothing could possibly gow rong.
i Please refrain from physical violence.
ii This is a Betelgeuse standard month. 1 BSM = 3×105 Earth months.
iii Subject to availability, background checks and industrial action. Negotiations will not be entered into; the vendor’s decision is final; by filling out this survey the patron waives all rights as regards legal action for compensation as a result of negligence, stupidity or vindictiveness on the part of the vendor in perpetuity.
iv Andromeda Spaceways accepts no liability for shoppers injured by direct eyeball projection advertising. Those seeking a return of their eyesight should deal directly with the advertising service provider.
v Frequent flier points accrue at 0.00001 points per light year, and can be redeemed in person at any Sirian Cockroach Soup Export office (two offices around the Universe!) for flights to any Andromeda Spaceways destination, subject to availability, background checks and industrial action. Negotiations will not be entered into; the vendor’s decision is final; by redeeming points the patron waives all rights as regards legal action for compensation as a result of negligence, stupidity or vindictiveness on the part of the vendor at any point in space and/or time.
vi One of these options must be selected.
vii Failure to do so will result in immediate ejection from the spacecraft. Please refer to clause 324-5-b3–α, section 6754, paragraph א0-b7 of the ‘Conditions’ on your ticket stub, unless you’ve been foolish enough to throw it away in which case, boy, are you in trouble.
viii The deposition of genetic material is an acceptable substitute for a signature. Please signal your flight attendant, who will provide the appropriate apparatus and privacy.
ix Please use galactic standard dates. Use of ‘Stardate’ notation is not considered amusing and will result in immediate ejection from the spacecraft.
x These statements do not necessarily reflect the opinions of senior management and should not be considered binding upon any staff member of Andromeda Spaceways or its subsidiaries.
DSPACE 