From ASIM 16: Bigger, Better, Faster (and only a little more expensive)
This little piece first appeared in Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine, Issue #16, and it is safe to say it is the least of the pieces to so appear. It’s a good magazine and you should take a look at it. I did. Since this ‘article’ is so specific to that venue, and so short, it seems reasonable to consign it to the web, and thus here it appears, unedited, unexpurgated, unnecessary. I reserve the right to reuse some of the jokes elsewhere. Copyright, ©, Darren Goossens, as far as I know.
Enjoy, or whatever.
From Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine, Issue #16. A long time ago now.
Bigger, Better, Faster (and only a little more expensive)
Replacing all earlier forms of interstellar transport is the Ford-Tonka-Ikea Super Galaxy 500 (some assembly required). New to Andromeda Spaceways and its ultra modern fleet, the Super Galaxy 500 contains the latest warp drive, capable of reaching beyond superluminal and hyperluminal velocities to melodramatic speeds. Capable of outrunning all but the fastest police and customs craft, the Super Galaxy 500 allows Andromeda Spaceways to continue to provide that under-the-radar, tax-free, no-questions-asked service we’re famous for.
Andromeda Spaceways has always had a policy of “Keeping up with the Joneses”. We can’t afford to let our technology slip behind, not when Betelgeuse Buslines have fitted laser-guided laser cannon and depleted uranium-tipped armour piercing torpedoes to their new Hyundai-GlaxoWellcome Transit Vans.
Recent cases of Betelgeuse Buslines hijacking Andromeda Spaceways craft and stealing cargoes — including the entire Welsh boys choir which had been neatly stacked in a row of duffel bags — have forced us into arming our own ships. Hence, upon boarding please review the card in your seat pocket. It contains instructions for the emergency brace position, operation of oxygen (or other gas) masks and safety belts, and how to aim and fire a Mk VII Krupps-Budweiser Corp. Vortex Disruptor. Window passengers in particular should familiarise themselves with the control panel in their armrest, as the retractable joystick gives them direct control of the Mk VII mounted on the outside of the craft beneath their porthole. Aisle passengers will find a first aid kit, automatic assault rifle and “My Other Car Is An Andromeda Spaceways Super Galaxy 500” bumper sticker under their seats, but should be ready to operate the gun should injuries occur.
However, the sheer speed of the Super Galaxy 500 renders such considerations, while necessary, most probably unrequired. The Super Galaxy 500 has twelve engines for improved reliability (and number-theoretic reasons) and can cross a dozen parsecs in the wink of an eye and a thousand lightyears in a nervous tic. Other features of the Super Galaxy 500 include:
1. Complementary oxygen (or other gas as appropriate) in third class seats
2. Free alcohol, carboxylic acid and peanuts
3. More leg room*
4. Bigger doughnuts
5. Bigger holes in doughnuts
6. A really cool blue stripe
7. Spare pilot in suspended animation
8. Qualified multifaith priest for confession of sins should disaster be immanent. For Catholic Christians we provide a life size replica of the Pope for added authenticity.
Lastly, please be sure to take your sedatives before the hyperjump, and remember — you gave that money to charity, it did not go missing while you were unconscious.
Desperate times need desperate measures, and Andromeda Spaceways is a desperate company — desperate to do a deal with you.
* Only if passengers opt for the optional “leg reduction surgery” before embarking.